Hi Boy-o-Mine -

I haven't been here in awhile - couldn't find the password but after a couple of hours of online detective work, I am here.

I never was much for organization and details. ;)

Just been thinking about you so much and thought I'd say hello. I'll be back tomorrow though.
Hope life is good for you. Sure wish we talked more...but I know how it is at twenty something.

I get it. And I love you.

It's so hard to watch you go through the things you're going through right now. I know they're just part of life, and we all have to muck our way through this stuff sometimes, but it doesn't make it any easier to watch.

I want to fix it for you. It is my job as a mom, after all. At least it was for a really long time. But even then, when you were just a child, you'd take some time to think and come back with the best solution or answer. You did know how to make great choices for a kid - when you took the time to breathe and think. The best part was you always felt good about it too.

This time of your life is so pivotal, and it's harder for me to stay quiet than other times. I think it's because you're entering the world outside of college or the military, and you're going into areas I know a lot about. I know a lot about it because I've been very successful in this realm, and I've made a lot of mistakes too. I also know a lot about making dreams come true, and getting what you want out there - I think I'm better at that than anyone I know. I've always had the gift of getting what I want in the real world - by knowing what matters to people, and how to be most useful to others. That's really important, and it's fun because it makes them happy - and in turn, I get to experience things I really want to experience.

Mostly, I wish I could tell you - don't be afraid to call people directly and meet people in unusual ways. Use social media and tell them you want to work for them. Take the time to look into what your personality is best suited to. Right now, I don't know how to help you because I have no idea what kind of job you're looking for - I only know you want to work in the oil business. I wish I could talk to you more, and find out how I can help you. If you want my help, please call and talk to me one day soon. I am here for you....but don't want to push myself on you.

If you find something that you love and it makes money, awesome! If you find something you love, and it doesn't make a lot of money, awesome too. Just be happy doing what you do, and put your heart and soul into it. Living a passionate life is a powerful reward.

 New York City is here with a free place to live right now, and that could be a great opportunity for you if just for a little while. Just want to remind you that you could take a 6 month break and get a job in the city just for your resume. Who knows where it could lead! That's what happened to me...at one of the best firms in NY...and it's gotten me in so many doors I never would've been able to enter in my life.

Brick Walls.

“The brick walls are there for a reason.

The brick walls are not there to keep us out.

The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.

Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough.

They’re there to stop the other people.”

― Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

It's ok if we don't want something badly enough. 

It simply means our destiny lies down a different road. 

That said, 

what we must want 

badly enough 

is to find that thing 

we want badly enough.

Go find that thing and do it! 

I love you Boy-o-Mine.

Beginners Mind.

Keep the Faith.

It sucks when we don't know it all. 

The beauty of it is knowledge seeps in slowly and grows inside us - some faster than others, but that's not an indicator of intelligence. Their wiring is different, but not their capacity. 

My hope for you is to always be a beginner at something. This will tell me you're always learning and growing. Looking back over my life, it's the ongoing learning, discovery, and curiosity that gave me the most joy and satisfaction. New worlds, skills, ideas were always flowing and revealing themselves.

Promise me you'll always have 

beginners mind and a humble heart.

They will take you far - even if you have to work for them. 

If we're lucky enough to consciously choose these qualities while we're still young, 

we don't have to learn them the hard way. Those who choose pride, anger, control, and ego over them get it knocked into them through pain instead. 

The irony is most people figure out by late middle age that beginner's mind and a humble heart are qualities of people they like or trust most. They finally realize they'll never know it all, nor does anyone expect them to because proving themselves to others only looks like false pride. 

They finally see a humble heart makes a happier life overall.   It also makes them kind. 

Kindness and Authenticity always win in the end. 

-even if you don't take home the prize at the door.

Love you Boy-o-Mine.

Inner Peace.

One thing I've learned over the course of my life is that inner peace lies with me, while drawing strength from higher and deeper places simultaneously.  It wasn't until I looked at the uncomfortable feelings and emotions that didn't serve me, and dealt with them that I knew the calm of inner peace. Understanding and dealing with these feelings that gnawed at me, and sometimes directed my behavior, was the secret.
When I dealt with the big ones, dealing with all others that came my way have been easy.

There were times I ignored them and I was miserable. They snuck up on me and bit me in the ass.

The biggest lesson of all was realizing the answers did not lie outside of me.

I had to make peace with 
my own experience and choices.

It was all about 
staying awake and paying attention. 
This alone was revelatory.
Paying attention to my inner life healed and centered me. It gave me peace. It's amazing what consciousness - being awake and aware by simply paying attention can do.

I've watched you do this as you grew. Each year you gained better and better skills at discernment and good decision-making. You've actually been very good at it. We all have our weak links; you and I being no exception. I guess the real test lies in conquering those that make us the most uncomfortable or harm us the most.

Most of us want to deny experiences -
that don't serve us, and even sabotage us. We don't want to deal with them. It can be compulsively shopping, workaholism, jealousy, food, alcohol, anger, a short fuse - they are endless and different for each of us. What's odd is all we have to do is trace it back to its roots and we will discover some feeling we are trying to get away from.

As you well know, it's being aware of them and seeing them for what they are - understanding the why's and how's of their power in us that gives us the power to do things differently. When we denied them or tried to avoid them, they had free reign and ran amuck within us...letting fears and desires control us. Once we knew, we could choose, and claim victory over them - giving us peace. So simple really. Yet so hard too...but only at first! Only hard until we are gather the support we need around us to win. A soldier doesn't go into battle alone. This is no different.

Finding these things that unconsciously control us is like a scavenger hunt. For some reason, the image of Peanut Butter Reese's Pieces come to mind. I think of the little boy trying to find ET in the movie. With each one, he was closer to his friend, to love and peace. It can take time sometimes, but all we have to do is keep paying attention.

When we unearth the root drivers of these behaviors, running wild and hiding inside us, we can conquer them  - 
Then we feel a freedom we didn't know before.

It is the most rewarding life experience of all I think - outside of loving someone and being loved. It's the freedom of knowing yourself and gaining an inner strength. It's a sense of integrity, a depth that grows deeper and stronger as the years go on - mostly because we continue to make good and wise choices -  because we know how.

In my life, I've gone two steps forward and three steps back sometimes. I wish that wasn't the case, and I don't wish that for you. That said, it happens. Unfortunately, it slows us down but maybe I did it so you don't have to. I don't know, but a mother can hope.

Meanwhile, if those days do come, learn to love and forgive yourself. You're worth that. And keep moving forward, paying attention. I've watched you do this recently and have been proud of you.

Next time, I'll share the secret victory in the struggles I have had in my personal life - and how I finally figured it out for me.

My favorite book of all time is a book I read in college called, "Man's Search for Meaning." It's by a man named Viktor Frankl. He wrote it while he was in a concentration camp being tortured during WWII. I read it when I was about 18, and I've never been the same since. I highly recommend it.

I love you boy-o-mine.

Mothers.

Just sayin'....

We are all crazy in our own unique way - including me. 

Every family has their trials and sadnesses. Some just look better on the outside - and align better with cultural standards, but it doesn't mean people were truly 'seen' for who they are, or valued, or even allowed to be themselves. 

We do the very best we know how and then some...but the crazy truth is it is never enough because 

we are all in the process of becoming. 

I'm still working on it one day at a time, and all I can do is pray I've made a difference for those who have crossed my path. It is my wish they have known love, acceptance, and laughter from knowing me. I hope I have encouraged those I've met and reminded each person in my life -

they are beautiful lights that deserve to shine as brightly as the heavens.

I love you boy-o-mine.

This is a Soldier.

I played this in church today in memory of J.P. and in honor of his family and friends. 

Including you. He is our son too. 

This is what my Facebook status said today:

Kyle is at a memorial weekend for his friend and comrade, J.P. Fitzsimmons who died in Afghanistan last year. They were in the same U.S. Navy Helicopter Squadron. J.P. was a new husband, son, and friend to many. This beautiful rendition of Waltzing Matilda reminds me how important it is to remember the humanity and innocence of young soldiers and the truth about war.

I'm struck by the countless young men willing to risk everything for something they don't truly understand. They only know it to be a noble cause. They sacrifice their lives for an ideal. They want to make a difference and live a sense of purpose. We honor and remember them and their families because they gave us themselves, no holds barred. It doesn't matter if we are for or against the war, or politically polarized. In the end, it's these young men and women, and their families, who stretched to the end of themselves for something they thought was right. Whether we agree or not, we thank them because they were willing to die for us. There is no getting around that.

Thank you J.P. You are my son too.

Take a listen - profoundly beautiful and moving.