I've always found it odd that alcohol is sometimes called spirits. It makes sense. When we drink, some people do take on a different spirit - or at least that's how it appears to the people they're with. They change. I'm not certain if when we consume alcohol we leave ourselves open to actual spirits that are not positive; or because we have unresolved anger and other emotional baggage that's been sitting and waiting to free itself as soon as our guard is down.
Whatever it is that makes our mood change and behave as if we have a different spirit when we drink, it does NOT serve us. It destroys.
Alcohol will leave wreckage in our path worse than Hurricane Sandy. But it feels worse than a major hurricane because we know we had a choice. The truth is we did and we didn't.
Over the years, I've asked many people to think about the worst times or moments in their personal lives. 9 times out of 10, they involved alcohol.
This is true for me too. Every single time something really bad has happened as an adult - alcohol has been involved. I'm not talking about someone else dying from an illness. I'm talking break-ups, irrational or overly dramatic fights, drama, accidents, falls. Even shame and humiliation after behaving like a jerk around a boss, or someone we respect. We're pretty sure they weren't the ones drinking. I'm not even mentioning all the things we shouldn't have done - and if you're like anyone else who's had a few too many, you know the long list of embarrassing and stupid things we've done with some alcohol in us. People like us are allergic to alcohol.
If someone is allergic to alcohol, upon drinking they will break out in sexual encounters, fights, assholism, loose lips, hangovers, unreliability, dishonesty, over-reactions, tall tales...
When we drink, we're immediately filled with a temporary rush that makes us feel so good - because our inhibitions are down - and we relax. The alcohol also has the effect of exaggerating our experiences and we think we're having more fun. And sure, being really comfortable and relaxed enough to be silly IS fun!
Trouble is it doesn't last long. It's a fleeting feeling.
Mood altering substances exaggerate our good feelings - and our bad ones. We are overly sensitive to what others say to us, our judgment is impaired leaving us dangerous to ourselves and others, our emotional filters are completely out of whack. We are not ourselves.
Alcohol is an insidious substance too - it tries to tell us this is the real us.
It convinces us we are more ourselves than we've ever been.
Don't believe it. This is a big fat lie.
Alcohol and other drugs are masks we put on and it fools us. Worst part is it doesn't fool others - at least not for long. They smell it on us. They see it in our eyes. They feel something is off with us. People don't trust people who are drunk, or who drink often.
For most of us, alcohol isn't the best idea. But for some of us, it means an almost certain death at an early age. This is true in our family. There's a gene that causes alcohol and some other drugs to have an immediate compulsive trigger. When alcohol hits our bloodstream, we want more.
We will drink all night to maintain the original feeling we had. This is an impossible goal and all we accomplish is getting drunker and drunker. We all know what happens after that. We either do something stupid or dangerous, or we have an uneventful night but wake up with a hangover. Eventually we become sick and tired of being sick and tired, but don't know what to do about that. Or where to turn so we wait to feel better, and then have another drink. The cycle begins again. Until something terrible happens.
The compulsive feeling about drinking can go away - but we have to do the work. The easiest way to get past this is to find support. Joining a group where others are learning how to get rid of this compulsion and live happy lives is right under our nose - if we're willing to let go of our preconceived notions of what it means. We must be willing to empty ourselves and be humble. We have to be willing to admit defeat in order to have victory. It's a strange dichotomy but it's true.
Learning how to deal with the feelings that make us want to drink is the key - along with not picking up the first drink one day at a time. This is not achieved very successfully alone. A person might be able to keep from drinking, but their life sucks. Is being miserable really preferable to being humble?
Nothing in my life has more meaning to me than what I learned, experienced, and was given through 12 step meetings.
It is the most powerful teaching of my lifetime. I wish it for you too.
Carrying a gene that makes a person behave compulsively about drinking or other drugs is something they can't change. Treating this condition with an organic and supportive solution is something you can change. Refusing treatment that can be life saving is a healthy choice for a productive, joyful, and successful life. I pray you eventually make a choice that takes you in that direction.
I love you boy o mine.
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