Jealousy is a tiger that tears not only its prey, but also its own raging heart. I don't know who first said this, but they knew what real jealousy felt like. Jealousy acted out destroys everything in its path. Especially our own self esteem.
Jealousy will slowly, if not dealt with, deteriorate a good relationship. It will also destroy our own sense of confidence and worth - simply because we gave power to thoughts.
If you're a person who has ever been really jealous, you've also been accused of being insecure. It's been said that a truly competent or self-confident person would never be jealous. I agree and disagree.
Sure, it seems painfully obvious that in the very moment the heat of jealousy rises up within us - as with a romantic partner - we must be drowning in insecurity. But I think it can be circumstantial or temporary - not an ongoing state. I'm a competent and confident person in many other areas of my life, but not when it came to one specific partner and their relationship with members of the opposite sex. He thought I didn't trust him. I felt like I'd been run over by a truck if he looked at another woman, or seemed to be enjoying a conversation with someone beautiful, younger, or more interesting than me. It felt irrational and I was, quite literally, devastated inside.
As much as I don't want to admit this, I don't recall reacting this way when thin and feeling attractive or empowered in most areas of my life. So, the question is - was it me or him?
Many people who have a tendency toward jealousy will become paranoid and over-reactive, often destroying the relationship with the person they love the most. The moment cruel or out-of-character words leave our mouth, they can't be retrieved. They are weapons unleashed. These are tragic consequences for two people who genuinely care for each other. There's no real way back. The damage is done.
Alcohol will grow jealousy a hundred-fold.
And jealousy, when it takes over like it did in one relationship, is crazy making. It's crazy making if our partner flat out denies it. We feel like we're nuts. Over time I had to believe him. What else could I do? This was even in the face of witnessing it. He says I'm misinterpreting a normal situation. I don't agree. I chose to doubt myself over him, because the consequences would be less severe - it was the best relationship of my lifetime other than this issue. We have to pick our fights. Just as I had to pick my fights with you when you were two.
Jealousy is like a two year old inside me. When this kind of jealousy appears, I am irrational and tantrum-like on an emotional level - even if I don't show it to anyone. This is my demon. One I have to deal with. The good news is - if my partner was flirting, then it is also his demon. He knows in his heart if he was - and has an opportunity to change it. He's fully aware of how much it hurts me. Since he's a good person, I feel he will if he did it. He's a good person and I'm certain he doesn't want to cause me this much pain.
I've had some bad partners, and he is not one of them. I won't sabotage the best relationship of my life for a fear that might be imagined or blown out of proportion. Plus, I have to remind myself that no matter how perfect he seems, God is working on him too. He's not perfect.
So, you see these demons we carry around can only be owned by the person feeling them or experiencing them. We are the only ones who can change it. I can work on feeling better about myself and feeling worthy and valued in my life all around. He can look within at how he interacts with attractive women, and his intentions. Then we can both change what we have the power to change. It could be the ultimate win-win. Or not. I am choosing to trust the best in him and the best in me. I believe if he's simply in denial, he will someday admit his struggle with this. If it's not his struggle, I will come to a place of peace about my own fears and insecurities.
If I could remove only one character defect, it would be the tendency toward feeling threatened when I love someone. I've had to learn over and over again that my feelings of fear in those situations do NOT warrant anger, or trying to control the situation. I cannot control others. I can only control my own reactions to something.
In these situations, I have been known to make a mountain out of a molehill...and I needed to stop myself before my fears ruined another good evening. Something in my head kept building until it came out sideways or inappropriately to the one person I loved the most. This only made me look like an insecure idiot, and put him on the spot. If I was drinking, I just looked like a nut and a drama queen. In a man's case, the're seen as an asshole and a control freak.
Being a control freak or an asshole is never a good look.
Nor is it useful.
We should never act out like this. It's all about feeling not good enough. It's also self-centered and egotistical. We can only see the world revolving around us at the moment, and think we can control the situation. We can't.
I know how painful it is. People who don't experience this would be shocked if they truly understand what those of us with this streak experience. The pain is incredible when this wave of jealousy strikes. It is not for the weak. When we think we see them flirting with someone else or sharing a moment we believe is reserved only for our intimacy or relationship, the pain is so deep and so intense, they may as well be making love to someone right in front of us. See? I do get it. I've been there many times with one partner. I worked so hard to get over it - it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to walk through.
We can only control our reactions and how we treat ourselves and our partner. Treat them with love and respect. Do not react emotionally - especially in public. It is not worth your reputation and self respect. Trust me - the shame you will feel from looking so needy will follow you. Don't embarass yourself. Be proactive instead. See a counselor if this kind of jealousy rears its ugly head. It will be worth it's weight in gold if it works. Trust me on this.
When that feeling takes over, do the following when it starts to happen:
1. Don't React. and Breathe.
Really deep. In. Out. In. Out.
2. Think.
Think through what just happened to trigger the jealousy. Are you absolutely sure you saw what you think you saw? Are you positive it happened? Are you certain your interpretation is correct?
3. Temporarily remove yourself from the situation.
Go get some air. Take a walk. Call a friend. Do something, anything to avoid reacting by saying or doing something you will regret. If you have to, ask her to come with you - and don't accuse her of anything.
4. Center Yourself and Remember Who You Are.
You are a competent, self confident person with everything going for them. You do not need to be afraid. Find your center and feel both feet on the ground. Remember this is an emotional reaction, not a real threat. You and she can work out whatever you need to, or agree it doesn't work. Don't worry. Be happy. And don't try to control or change people. That's up to them. Be at peace with who you are, and be fair to them. We always walk with clarity and peace when we are reasonable and fair. When we can accomplish this, we are being our best selves and will lead happy lives.
4. Do not drink - or drink anymore if you already have.
Repeat 1 through 4. And drink a lot of water. Right now.
5. Connect and remember she is not the enemy.
Be loving- to yourself and her. Touch their hand or something to draw your energies closer together in that moment. If you feel rage when you do this, breathe. These are YOUR feelings...they are NOT appropriate responses to the moment. If you feel rage in a situation in which you think you saw your partner flirting with someone else, it is your baggage from your past. It is not what a normal person would feel right now.Get a reality check with her.When you're both alone, maybe even the next day or later - share how scared you felt. Talk more about how it feels and identify ways to resolve it when out together. This issue may take time to work through, but it's worth it if you both stay open emotionally and do NOT react toward each other with anger. Be compassionate toward each other. It is ok to share how you feel - sad, hurt, scared and afraid for your relationship. If, over time, you are certain it is not your imagination and your partner will not stop flirting or other behavior that is painful for you, it may be time to say goodbye. I highly recommend being sure you're not letting the fear that accompanies jealousy sabotage you, however. Be very sure of this first. It may require a counselor. Take the leap and see one. It will be worth it for life long sanity and nights out.
I Love You Boy-o-Mine.
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